Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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