i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
