there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
