I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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