as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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