I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
sex in a hospital.. check
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
