The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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