Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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