It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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