My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
