she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
