I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
