I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
