maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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