Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
