It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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