I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
