thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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