My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
