I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
