I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
