Welp...herpes.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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