he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
