Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
