THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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