Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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