Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Randomize
