I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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