i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
