I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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