Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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