Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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