It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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