I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
