my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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