St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
