i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
