DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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