Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
