Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Life is so much better after having sex.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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