there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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