I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
