Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
