I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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