I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
