I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
