My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
