I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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