I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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