you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
